Desperate Heart
by Kouryou Sanomi
Summary: Hotohori has not exactly had a very good time of it in his reincarnation. Perhaps Tasuki can help his friend cope. And who knows what other reincarnated seishi they might come across? [Warning: Slash!]
1. One Star, One Lonely Moon

Author's Note: Yep, I got inspired to do ANOTHER fic! I don't know how that happened! .;;; I was trying to stick with the ones I had already thought up.... *sigh* Whichever muse is responsible must be punished!! OHOHOHOHOHOHO!

Disclaimer: Don't own, can't buy, have no money, don't sue!

~*~*~*~

Desperate Heart

By Sanomi

Chapter One: One Star, One Lonely Moon

~*~*~*~

 I was pissed. Ok, not really pissed, since I'm too controlled to really let myself get angry. But I was very much not happy. First they shut off the electricity in my apartment because my payment was late, and then I got fired! 

Bastards... If I don't have a job, how the hell am I supposed to pay rent, let alone electricity?! Well, rent wasn't due for another month, so I had about 30 days to find a job. 

Still, life sucked.

And I was inclined to repeat that, when someone ran right into me. As if everything wasn't bad enough! "Watch where you're going," I snarled at the girl.

"Hotohori? Oh my god, Hotohori!"

Great, a psycho chick who thinks I'm someone else. "I don't know who the hell you're talkin' about." I brushed by her and continued on my way.

"No, wait, please! You're Hotohori aren't you?" She looked at me pleadingly. "I know it's you! I could recognize you anywhere."

I snorted and gave her my best glare. "I've never met you before in my life, and I don't know who the hell you're talking about, so buzz off!"

Her brown eyes filled with tears and she swayed on her feet. "Don't you remember me, Hoto... hori..." She keeled over, fainted dead away.

"What the hell!?" 

Life sucked.

~*~*~*~

Taka was getting worried about Miaka. She said she was going out to get some ice cream, but she'd been gone far too long.

There was a thump at the door. Not a knock, but the kind of thump you get from kicking at the door when your hands are too full to knock. Taka sighed in relief. *That* was why she was so late. He only hoped she didn't by out the whole store.

So he went to the door and opened it. "What the--?!"

A young man with dark unkempt hair and a burning gaze stood at the door with Miaka in his arms. Taka stared.

The young man glared back. "Are you going to take her, or shall I just drop her here? Your girlfriend's heavy."

Taka blinked and held out his arms. Carefully setting her down in their bedroom, he turned back to see the man walking away. "Hey, wait!"

"What do you want?" 

"I just... Could you at least tell me what happened?" He didn't know why he was being so polite. If anyone else found their wife unconscious in another man's arms, they'd definitely jump to conclusions. And yet, Taka knew that Miaka was as safe with this man as she would be with him.

The man raised his eyebrows slightly, like he didn't believe him, but after a moment nodded and stepped inside.

"Here, have a seat." Taka gestured to the couch. "So what happened?"

"Did you know your girlfriend is insane?"

"What?" That wasn't very nice. Miaka was a little... strange... at times, but not insane.

"She ran into me, then started babbling about me being someone she knew, I told her I'd never seen her before in my life, she passed out, I searched her purse for a wallet, it had your card in it, with hearts drawn all over it, so I figured the address on the card was for someone that I could drop her off with." He glared at Taka, almost like he was daring him to disbelieve.

"Who did she think you were..." 

"Saihitei," the man supplied. "She kept on calling me... Hono... Hoto... Hotohogi, or something like that."

Taka paled. "Hotohori?"

Saihitei nodded. "Yeah, I think that's it."

Come to think of it... the man, Saihitei, did look a lot like Hotohori. Same facial features, same piercing amber-gold eyes, same arrogant bearing. Why didn't he see it before? 

Because he didn't *act* anything like Hotohori, that's why. Colder, harsher,  downright unfriendly. How could the kind, gentle emperor from before be reduced to this... this... badass! 

Taka busied himself, bustling around the kitchen. "Would you like some tea? Or maybe coffee?"

Saihitei watched him nearly drop the cups a few times and said, "Tea, I think, would be best." Calmly taking the cups from him and sitting Taka down on a stool. He filled the teakettle with water and set it to heat, finding the tea leaves with minimal difficulty.

The former ogre seishi watched the other setting everything up competently. *This* was Hotohori. No matter how bad he tried to act, he really was a good person at heart. "Thank you," Taka said quietly when Saihitei handed him his cup of tea.

The man he was *sure* now was Hotohori shrugged uncomfortably. "If you dropped the cups, you'd wake her up and I don't want to deal with that psycho chick."

Taka smiled. Riiiiiight.

"Look, I gotta go. I hope your girlfriend gets better, etc, etc. Oh, and here's your card." Saihitei held out Taka's business cards that Miaka had drawn little pink hearts all over.

"It's okay, you can keep that."

The other man stared the Taka incredulously. "You're kidding, right? No way I'm taking something with hearts all over it!"

"Ah, sorry, I forgot." Taka took Miaka's and handed Saihitei a new one from a pile on the table. "Here. Take it."

The ex-emperor stared at him like he's grown a second head and said with a great deal of suspicion, "What for?" 

"You helped Miaka. I owe you, so if something happens, call me. I'll do whatever I can to help." Seeing the other's hesitation, he insisted. "Please? Just take it."

Saihitei held back a moment longer, and then accepted the card and pocketed it. He was out the door, and gone before Taka could say good-bye.

Taka shook his head ruefully. Miaka would be mad that he didn't make Hotohori stay, but what could he do? He could tell "Saihitei" wasn't the type to mess around with. Even though Taka was a martial arts champion, Saihitei was apparently a street-bred sort of person. Unpredictable, not afraid to fight dirty, do whatever it takes to win. Taka got the feeling that anyone who dared to pick a fight with that one, would walk away the loser. 

If he could still walk, that is.

~*~*~*~

I fully intended to throw that card away. Look, I was walking by a trashcan right now, all I had to do was take it out of my pocket.... Okay, walked right by it. Well there's another one coming up, take the card out the pocket and get ready to toss... Why weren't my hands moving? All I could do was walk.

Right, left, right, left, stop, look both ways, cross the street, right, left. 

I realized my feet were taking me home. That's okay, there's a garbage there too.

But I got the feeling the card would stay in my pocket for a while...

Home. A shitty, little apartment with peeling gray-blue walls, tiny bathroom, tiny kitchen, and a bedroom that doubled as a living room.

As I opened the door, I noticed the evidence of another attempted break-in. I smirked. No one had managed to get into my apartment for years.

With a sigh I took off my leather jacket (the one I'd had to save for three years to get) and set it on the back of a chair. Glancing at the clock, I decided it wasn't too early to go to bed, and headed to the bathroom.

Dressed in the old T-shirt and shorts that served as pajamas, I brushed my teeth and looked into the mirror. What a weird day it had been. 

What was that man's name? Taka, I remembered his card had said. There was something about him... It intrigued me. What was it?

He wasn't afraid of me. He wasn't afraid of me? He... wasn't afraid...

That was impossible. Everyone was afraid of me. It was an image I had purposefully cultivated. 

How could he not be afraid, not be angry? I had shown up with his girlfriend unconscious in my arms! That's why I tried to leave as soon as possible. I didn't need him yelling and trying to start a fight.

But instead he politely invited me in, listened to what I said, and seemed to even believe me.

That was a first.

I spat out the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth. Then I looked critically at the mirror. No, I hadn't lost my "tough" image. 

My hair was long, nearly waist length, I always had to tie it back. Pretty messy, too, since I rarely had the time to brush it properly. At least it was clean, I couldn't stand oily hair.

I was sort of tall, with broad shoulders. A bit too thin from infrequent meals, but with sinewy muscles from fights. Many scars from said fights, mostly on my arms and torso.

I tended to come across as a tough, savage street kid, which in truth I was. I was totally unapproachable and feared.

Intellectually, I knew I was attractive to many of the girls at my school, even some of the guys as well. But emotionally that concept was hard to grasp. How could anyone be attracted to me? I was disgusting. Revolting. People crossed the street rather then walk by me. I was used goods. I didn't deserve to be loved.

There was a small part of me the said that it wasn't always like this. *I* wasn't always like this. I couldn't remember a time before this, but something told me I'd had friends who I cared about, and who cared about me. I was beautiful...

I looked again at the mirror. With regular care, my hair could be like silk. And my facial structure wasn't that bad. Tentatively, I smiled at the mirror and gasped at the change. That person in the mirror wasn't me! That person looked respectable. The kind of person people could trust with their life. Scared, I looked away, when I glanced back, my customary scowl was in place and the stranger was gone.

~*~*~*~

~_"What are you doing?! Leave me alone!" Scared. Looking for a way to escape.~_

_~"Shut up!" The horrible voice softens. "Be quiet and you won't be hurt. You don't want to get hurt do you? And mar your perfect beauty?"~_

_~A whimper. Why does he keep touching like that? It hurts. Disgusting man! Leave me alone! But he's too big. I can't stop him... No! Don't! Choking sobs now. It hurts, go AWAY!~_

_~No, not again. Always when I'm alone. So long now... Was there a time before these painful touches? I can't remember. Suzaku, why? Oh, it hurts. It's not fair! Just because I can't remember, I KNOW there was a time before! Stop it! DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm bigger now, almost as big as you. I don't have to be afraid. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"~_

_~He falls now. I pushed him away... It's such a long way down...~_

_~"Saihitei! What have you done?!"~_

_~"He... he's gone now. He hurt me. He said if I did what he wanted and he wouldn't hurt me, but it hurt anyways... I HATE HIM! He deserved to die! And he's dead now." Tears falling... Are those mine? I didn't know I remembered how to cry... "I wasn't trying to kill him, I just wanted him to stop." Why are they looking at me like that? They're scared. Of me? They won't come near me. Good! No one comes near! They stay away and I stay safe. They stay safe. People who come near hurt me. And then they die... Like mom and dad... so long ago, now... they died to save me... And Father Junan at the orphanage... I killed him... I killed him. Yes. I killed him... It was an accident, but I did it.~ _

_~I look over the side of the building. He's long gone, but I still remember all that blood...~_

~*~*~*~

I threw off the covers and raced to the bathroom, heaving over the rim of the toilet. There goes lunch...

And always the same dream. Well, at least it had gone from every night to only once a month or so.

I rinsed my mouth out with shaking hands. Sitting on the floor to feel the cool tiles, I fell asleep and dreamt of being wrapped in the wings of a giant phoenix who soothed all my hurts away.

I didn't remember that dream in the morning.

~*~*~*~

Ne, so how do you like it so far? .;;; I know, I know, poor Hotohori! I almost cried when I thought about what I had put him through... ;_; Oh god, I'll never be able to look him in the face again... *sobs*

Things will get better, tho! I SWEAR IT! HE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A SAD ENDING!


	2. You Call My Name

Author's Note: Neeeeee, here's the first step in making my Hoto-chan happy! *huggles Hotohori plushie* It was sooo hard seeing him unhappy! ;_;

Disclaimer: not miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! ;_;****

~*~*~*~

Desperate Heart

By Sanomi

Chapter Two: You Call My Name

~*~*~*~

Two weeks and a new job later, I had forgotten all about the unusual man and woman. 

Back to the usual pattern of High School, avoiding people, and going to work, occasionally interrupted by waking up in the middle of the night to throw up from bad dreams.

The Teacher was babbling about something-- I wasn't paying attention. I did look up when someone entered the classroom. I realized it must be the transfer student; that's probably what the teacher had been talking about. 

The student lounged negligently against the teacher's desk as she babbled some more. He fidgeted impatiently for a moment longer before sighing and making his way in my direction.

I glanced around and noticed that the only empty seat was next to mine. He sat heavily, wincing when the desk jabbed into his side. I snuck a look at him: we rarely ever got transfer students in the middle of a quarter.

He had fiery red hair, rather small pupils in his eyes. And I think I spied fangs when he smirked as the Teacher tried to figure where he had gone. Even wearing our school's uniform, he managed to give the impression of rebelliousness. Like he was only wearing it because he wanted to, not because they told him to.

"Hey."

I blinked at him; surely he hadn't caught me looking, I was very good at that.

"Name's Genrou." 

I relaxed slightly. He hadn't noticed.

"Does she ever shut up?" he asked, jerking a thumb at the teacher.

"Rarely," I responded noncommittally.

"Ah, that's too bad." He grinned. "So, what's yer name?"

"Saihitei," again I was as noncommittal as possible, and then ignored him, hoping he would take the hint.

Class was soon over, and I was walking down the hallway to my locker when Genrou trotted up.

"You don't talk much do ya?" he said, lengthening his stride to keep up with me.

I grunted and continued walking, and he continued filling up the silence with chatter. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and stopped dead in my tracks.

Too busy talking to watch where he was going, Genrou walked right into me. "Hey, wha'd ya do that for?"

"Why are you trying to be so friendly?" I stared coldly at him.

"Do I need a reason?" He grinned easily, but the grin faded slightly when I glared at him. "Okay, it's cuz you're the only one that seems t'have half a brain n'this crappy school." He cocked his head at me. "And yer interestin'."

"I'm sure. Now, I'd suggest you take yourself in another direction." His grin faded altogether as he realized I wasn't joking.

"Why?"

"You'll find out soon enough." 

~*~*~*~

At lunch, I tried not to notice that Genrou had quickly been accepted into the crowd and was chatting up one of the more popular students.

I purposefully looked away and so did not notice the keen glance that he shot at me.

~*~*~*~

School was finally over, and I stopped by my locker to pick up the last of my things. At last, I was a short while away from being home.

Not that home was really better, but at least I had only myself to dislike.

"Hey."

I whirled around angrily. "Now what do you want?" I demanded.

The redhead crossed his arms stubbornly. "I want to talk."

At the obstinate look on his face, I knew he wouldn't give up until his goal was achieved.

"Fine, then. Talk."

He blinked, probably not expecting me to have given in so quickly. "Well, about what you said before."

"Yes?"

"You said I'd find out why I should leave you alone."

"Something like that."

"Yer sarcasm amazes me."

"Get on with it."

"Right. So the morons that make up this school were jus' _bursting_ to tell me _all_ about you. I guess that's th'reason you told me to stay away?"

"Is that all you have to tell me?" I glared coldly and turned away.

"Listen to me god-dammit!" He grabbed me painfully by the shoulder, forcefully turning me around, and slammed me into the lockers. "Why d'you keep on pushing people away?!"

"Been here a day and you've already figured everything out!" I snarled at him.

"No! I just... fuck." He released me and stepped back. "Look, I'm sorry, I got angry." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I just... I don't give a damn about some stupid rumor."

"Even if it's true?"

He blinked. "Well... I don't believe you did it in cold blood. Everybody has their reasons."

"Why?"

"What are you talking about?"

I was trembling. With rage or fear--I didn't know. "Why do you care? It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything."

"Of course it matters! Ev'rybody needs friends!" Genrou grinned cheekily. 

"Which you will find no lack of in this school. So just leave me alone."

"No."

"No?"

"Nope!" He ignored the dangerously soft note in my voice and just kept on grinning. "I like you."

"You make an occasion of shoving people you like into lockers? Should I feel honored?" I sneered at him.

"I said I was sorry! Besides, it was your fault. You wouldn't listen."

"I'm listening now."

"Good." He crossed his arms and smirked at me. "I'm going to be your friend whether you like it or not!"

~*~*~*~

A week later, and Genrou showed no sings of relenting. He really was stubborn. I resigned myself to his presence, refusing to admit that I might actually be starting to like him.

"Yo, Sai!"

"My name is Saihitei," I growled for the sixty-seventh time (I'd been counting). Slowing down my pace a bit so he could catch up. We were nearly at the corner where our path diverged on the way home.

"Sure, yeah. Hey, I was wondering..."

"What do you want, Genrou?" I had learned to recognize that wheedling tone that meant that the redhead wanted something.

"It's my sisters. I told you how horrible they are, right?"

"Yes. Many times."

"I need you to help me, man!"

I stared at him incredulously. "What, you want me to beat them up?"

"Of course not! Although it would be a plus... But the thing is, their work schedule's different today, so they'll home until five, and..."

"Yes?"

"CouldIstayatyourhouseuntilthenbecauseit'stoodangeroustostayhomewithallofthemtherepleasepleaseplease..."

I blinked. "What?"

"Could I stay at your house until then because it's too dangerous to stay home with all of them there please, please, please?"

"Genrou..."

"Oh, please!" He dramatically threw himself on his knees, grabbing hold of my backpack. "You don't know what it's like! They're monsters! Horrible an evil--"

"Fine."

"--an' terrible an'... what?"

"Fine. You can come over. Don't expect a warm welcome or anything. The place is shit."

"That's okay! I don't care!" He beamed at me.

I knew I had given up too quickly, but what was I supposed to do? He was fully capable of being dragged on his knees like that for blocks. Sigh.

~*~*~*~

"So y'really got your own place? You're lucky!"

"No, I'm not," I muttered under my breath. With a sigh, I unlocked the door. In a louder voice, I told him sarcastically, "Make yourself at home."

Apparently, he took my words to heart, slinging his bag on the couch (piece of shit) before making his way over to the kitchen and opening the fridge (another piece of shit).

"Geeze, man, you're worse then any bachelor I know!" He was staring at the nearly empty fridge.

I snorted and dumped by stuff by his. "The difference being I can cook. I just don't often have the money to buy food."

He stared at me in surprise and I stared right back. Then he murmured a soft "Sorry."

"Whatever. You were the one who wanted to come here in the first place."

He was silent for a moment, trying to regain his sense of balance I suppose. "Yeah, well. It's better then being home with them!" He shuddered artfully.

I smirked. "I'm sure." The awkward moment passed, and we were back to bantering. Well, more him trying to be clever and me shooting him down.

Looking back on it, I suppose our friendship was rather unusual. And yet somehow it worked.

Even if I wasn't quite ready at that point to call it a "friendship." 

But undoubtedly, that was what it was.

~*~*~*~

How is the second chapter? Do you like it? XD My Hoto-chan is finally starting to open up! 

For the next chapter... The story moves along a little, some secrets come out, and they become ven closer friends in spite of it all!

Soon, precious... so very soon *gollum hiss*

XD sorry, couldn't resist!

LONG LIVE LEGOLAS! WOO! Aragorn pretty cool too.

^.^


	3. But the Truth Remains

Disclaimer: Me not owning it.

~*~*~*~

Desperate Heart

By Sanomi

Chapter Three: But The Truth Remains

~*~*~*~

I didn't want to admit to myself that I was worried, but after a month of his friendship I had gotten to know him very well.

Something was wrong with Genrou.

The first thing that tipped me off was when he didn't laugh at the comment I made about one of our teachers.

Now, don't get me wrong. That does sound kind of egocentric, but the truth was that he found the sarcastic stuff I said to be amazingly funny. So I had taken to voicing aloud a lot of my thoughts in order to hear him laugh.

He really had a wonderful laugh; light and happy, not bitter like mine. There wasn't much I wouldn't do to hear that laugh.

Now back to there being something wrong with Genrou...

Not only didn't he laugh but he was completely spaced out the entire day. Not to mention that every once and a while he would sigh and sink miserably into his seat.

When at last school was out, I walked along side him as he trudged (yes he did trudge) on our way to our respective homes. 

I couldn't deny that he was really starting to worry me now. It pushed me to the point where I did something I never thought I'd do.

Pause. Feel the tension.

I invited him over to my apartment. (gasp)

No really, I did. You see, while he had been over many times since that first visit, it was always Genrou who asked. I NEVER invited. It was like an unwritten code.

He sighed (again) and muttered what I think was a yes.

I glared at him. I use up another one of my firsts (first friend, first person I let get close in years, first person to enter my apartment with my permission, etc) and he doesn't even care! I resisted the urge to sulk and said instead to him coldly, "I think that merited more of a reaction."

He flashed me a weak smile but didn't say anything. Now what was I supposed to do? I made my grand gesture.

God damn it.

We walked to my place in silence. I was wracking my brains for what to say. As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly the expert at social interaction.

_So..._

_Standard thing then._

"Genrou, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

I never said I was subtle. 

"W-what d'you mean?"

I slammed the door shut and chucked my bag at the couch. "You know what I mean."

"No I--"

"Yeah. Sure," I sneered. Crossing my arms and planting myself firmly in front of him, I waited for his explanation.

_Yeah. Real good way to get someone to open up, _part of me snorted.

_So sue me, I'm still not used to the whole friendship thing. _

Wait. Did I just admit to myself we were friends? Another first. Damn it.

Suddenly he collapsed onto the couch. "It's stupid," he murmured.

"What is?"

"This... I... Gods, I'm fallin' apart for no fuckin' reason."

I remained silent. He would tell me... eventually... even if I had to beat it out of him... Although I hoped it wouldn't come to that.

"I told you I moved from Washington D.C., right?"

I nodded. It had come up in a conversation quite a few times. _Che, you'd think he'd remember._

"I... I got a letter from a friend there..." He pulled out of a pocket a much-creased piece of paper. How often had he read it?

"It's from Kouji... My-my friend."

I nodded again. Whenever Genrou talked about his home he talked a lot about Kouji, too. "Is there... bad news?" I asked cautiously.

"No, that's just it. I'm bein' stupid... It's just a regular letter." 

I raised my eyebrow. Then what the hell was all this about? "Really?"

"Yeah..." There was a sort of hollow sound to his voice.

_Gods, what the hell is going on?! Somebody... anybody... heeeeeeelp... I have no idea what I'm doing... Don't confide in me Genrou, or whatever the hell you're going to say! I'll probably just screw your brain up even more. _

He handed me the letter, and, against my better judgment, I skimmed over it. It seemed to be the usual friendly letter-- not that I had any frame of reference. But the words used at the end jumped out at me.

[...I miss you a lot Genrou... I've been trying to see if I could get into the exchange student program, but so far no luck. (What the fuck made your parents choose to move to a place on the other side of the country?!). Looking foreword to your next letter.

Forever Yours,

Love, Kouji]

Forever yours could be understood as a really close friendship. For that matter, so could the love... But somehow I didn't think so. 

"You're lovers." It wasn't a question.

Genrou's golden eyes snapped up with shock written all over his face. "How did..." He shook his head. "Never mind. Are... are you mad?"

I suppose I should have been. But, I mean, it's not like I was afraid he was gonna jump me. He obviously had only Kouji in mind. "No, I'm not." I handed back the letter. "But there's obviously more to you feeling bad then the letter."

He stared at the letter, then carefully folding it and putting it away he replied, "I dunno... I really miss'm... and..."

"And what?" I prompted.

"We're so far apart... there's nothing to stop him... either of us... from..."

"You're worried one of you might be unfaithful?" I asked gently (well, pretty gently considering the source).

He nodded, not looking up from the floor.

"Genrou, if you want advice, I'm the wrong person to come to." Never had a relationship. Or wanted one, for that matter. But can you blame me? People suck. "But it seems to me that you two really care about each other. I mean, if you're this stressed out over a letter, I don't think you'll have to worry about you yourself cheating. And if he does... well, there's nothing really you can do about it. But from what you've told me about him, he doesn't appear the type to do that. Besides, if he cheats, we can hunt him down and beat the crap out of him."

His blinked at me but then chuckled slightly as he recognized the signs of my unusual humor coming out. "OK."

"Feeling better now?" He nodded, and I sighed in relief. I managed to get through a cheer-up talk without causing him to go into therapy! Go me!

"Heh, being all depressed gives me an appetite. Wanna go down to the market and grab somethin' to bring back?"

"Uh..."

"All on me, a' course. I got paid this morning."

"Uh..."

"That's settled then! Lets go!"

I blinked. "Sure... Why not... I suppose..." I, of course, only agreed to this because he caught me off guard. Plus, I never pass up free food. 

Hey, neither would you if you were as undernourished as I was.

~*~*~*~

Gah... Why was I doing this again? Oh, right. Free food. Must keep that in mind. And also remember to NOT kill Genrou for dragging me up and down the aisles for munchies. Damn it.

Ugh. Now I remember why don't like going out much. I sighed and just followed Genrou. Then blinked when I saw one of our schoolmates. Wasn't that the one Genrou had been talking to during lunch on the first day we met? I think his name was Eiken, or something. Creep.

"Shit, look at that lineup! Hey, Sai, I'll stay here in the line, if you'd just go grab the Twinkies and Doritos."

If it got me out of that hellhouse, I would do nearly anything. "Fine."

In record time, I returned with the requested items. I approached our line, but slowed when I saw Genrou with Eiken. I ducked into an unused section so I could hear what they were talking about. 

Yeah, yeah, don't give me that crap about it being dishonest. How else am I supposed to find out the truth about things, other than eavesdropping?

"Hey, are you here by yourself? You're hardly ever without Saihitei anymore."

Genrou replied in a chilly voice. "What's it to ya?"

"Nothing, nothing. I was just wondering, why your friends with him. I mean, if you're doing it for the protection, there are plenty of other people who can help you out with any enemies you might have. If you know what I mean... Does he have something on you?"

I was burning with rage. That... little... Ohhhhhh, he was going to be sorry if we ever should meet in a darkened alleyway. Hell, why wait? I can send Genrou with the stuff to the apartment and wait in ambush outside the store... 

"Beat it, ya jerk!" The redhead sounded furious.

"Hey, calm down, I was just wondering. Besides, you should be careful around him. You know what he did, don't you?"

"Don't you have anything better to do than listen to stupid rumors?" Genrou asked, his voice trembling with anger.

As footsteps receded, I exited the section and walked up to Genrou. His dark face brightened immediately. "Hey! You found 'em! Let's check this stuff out so we can go."

Maybe having a friend wasn't so bad after all. I had never known anyone to stick up for me before...

~*~*~*~

We chomped on our snacks for a while in silence. Then the quiet was broken by Genrou. "Sai, I was wondering..."

"Yes?"

"Just... what is the truth about these rumors?"

I froze. I should have known he was going to ask eventually. But I had deluded myself into thinking that maybe he would just forget about the whole thing... Gods. Just being reminded of it brought the memories back. I shuddered inwardly. Whatever pleasant mood had existed before was gone.

"I-I know it's my business, but you know one of my darkest secrets, and since we've been friends for a while..."

I laughed. He jumped at the sound-- it was harsh and without mirth.

"Darkest secret? _Darkest secret?_" I laughed again and he winced. "You think your being gay is a dark secret? Let me tell you, if _that_ is a dark secret, it is the most pitiful one I have ever heard."

He bridled and angrily opened his mouth to say something, but the smoldering look in my eyes made him close it. "Do you really want to know **_my_** dark secret? You couldn't even possible _imagine_ what it was I went through. Do you still want to know?" 

I leaned forward in my seat and captured his gaze with my burning one. "I'll tell you." I don't think I could have restrained myself at that point had I wanted to. It was a need-- a need to _tell_ someone. And also a perverted sense of enjoyment I got from his fear and discomfort. 

Some people become who they are because of their childhood, or in spite of it. I fit into that first category.

"Well, let's see, it started on a beautiful spring morning," I began in a mockery of a storyteller's voice. "So soon after winter, it was still rather chilly and there was a thin layer of frost over everything. I was about seven at this time, by the way. My parents wanted to stay indoors where it was warm, but I insisted on going for a walk. Being very loving parents, they indulged my selfish wish and took me out for a walk around the block. 

"We were just crossing the street, when a car slid on the ice and was heading in our direction. It was going too fast for us to get off the road, but my mother pushed me out of the way. When the ambulance arrived, I was unhurt but for a few bruises and scrapes. My father was pronounced dead on arrival, but my mother was still alive. She died less than a day later, from internal bleeding." 

I paused for a moment. It still hurt so much... I tried to pretend as if I were telling a story about someone else. 

"When the doctors told me, I didn't believe it... I spent hours by her side trying to wake her up. I thought if I just woke her up, everything would be okay." I smiled bitterly at that naivety.

A choking sound came from Genrou's general direction. I glanced at him: he was crying. I raised an eyebrow. "Don't. It never helps; I learned that a long time ago."

With a sigh, I handed him a napkin: the closest I had to a handkerchief, and then went on. "After that I was sent to an orphanage, downtown from here. St. Catherine's, it was called. The man who ran it was called Father Junan, he was middle-aged and everyone loved him. I was there for three about years when the father took me aside. He said I had grown very beautiful in my years there... supposedly all thanks to his tender care. He wanted something in return."

I faltered and rubbed my eyes. I hated thinking about it. But still I couldn't stop. "At first it was just painful touches. He told me that if I spoke to anyone he would hurt me, and I felt scared and alone. He took to cornering me whenever I was alone, and soon touches was not enough." A spasm of pain flickered over my face. 

It was never enough, was it? Nothing was ever enough.

"When I was fourteen I was nearly as tall as he was. Yet I was still too afraid to challenge him. But one day I'd had enough; I was overcome with hate and rage and I pushed him away. We were on the roof of the orphanage, where I had taken to hiding out, and he lost his balance and fell. Fell a long, long ways. It took forever for the police to find me, but I hadn't moved. I was staring down at his broken body for hours..." I shuddered. "They all decided it was an accident, and covered the whole thing up. Do you know, I never told anybody the truth?" 

I never talked about it to anyone. In fact, I didn't even talk for nearly a year after what happened. Lucky you, Genrou, to be the first to know. "I left not even a month later. It was hard to find a place to live-- that's why I have to stay in this crummy place. It's the only one that'll let me stay here, since I'm not eighteen yet." I shrugged. Plus, it's the only one I can afford not working full time.

A deep and profound silence filled my little apartment.

"S-Sai..." Genrou said finally. It seemed a great effort of will for him to drag his gaze up to meet my eyes.

I glared at him. "Do you think I need your pity?" I drew myself up to my fullest height.

"N-no, I wasn't--"

"Save your pity for those who deserve it," I hissed at him. "I don't regret what I did. He deserved death, and I'm glad I gave it to him."

~*~*~*~

Genrou looked at Saihitei standing tall and proud. The boy--man--possessed traits coveted by men, and by those traits he was cursed. A noble bearing, beautiful by any standards. 

It was obvious he was wanted by many, but equally apparent that Saihitei didn't believe that. 

"Saihitei... I forgive you," the redhead told him softly.

He stared at Genrou. "What?" He blinked and stood rigidly. "And why would I need your forgiveness?"

"Since you can't forgive yourself."

~*~*~*~

o.O;; *bursts into tears* AUGH I CAN'T BELIEVE I WROTE THAT!!!!!! *curls up in a very dark corner* Hoto...hori... what harm have I done thee? ;_;****


	4. I'm Only a Fool

Disclaimer: Me not owning it.

~*~*~*~

Desperate Heart

By Sanomi

Chapter Four: I'm Only A Fool

~*~*~*~

"Saihitei... I forgive you," he told him softly.

He stared at Genrou. "What?" He blinked and stood rigidly. "And why would I need your forgiveness?"

"Since you can't forgive yourself."

The tiny apartment was utterly silent for long moments. Finally:

"I think it's time for you to go home, Genrou."

"What?"

"Genrou. Go home." Anger, spite, hurt, all emotions seemed to drain out of Saihitei. He looked-- tired. Mortally tired. 

Genrou stood unmoving. It was his fault for bringing it up, so he would face the consequences. He felt instinctively that it would be asking for trouble to leave Saihitei alone right now. "No. No, I'm not going to go. Saihitei, you can't keep running away, or pushing people away."

~*~*~*~

I stared at him, shocked. Was that what I had been doing? Running? And pushing?

_Oh, gods, he's right._

I wilted and shrunk in on myself. _Oh god, oh gods. _That's exactly what I had been doing. I'd always known it, but kept putting it to the back of my mind. It was a sort of unspoken continuous monologue in my subconscious, left over from the frightened, jumbled thoughts that had been going through my mind the day Father Junan died. 

_If they stay away I won't get hurt. If they stay away _they_ won't get hurt. _

_He who fights and runs away li--lives to f-fight ano-another day, isn't that how the saying goes? If they get too close, I'll just go away. That way everyone stays safe._

~*~*~*~

Saihitei had always seemed strong and confident, no matter what the situation. It was a shock to Genrou to see him so vulnerable and scared. The dark-haired boy collapsed onto the couch with his head bowed. He said something, but the curtain of his hair muffled it.

Genrou moved to kneel in front of him. "What?" The thought _I seem to be saying that an awful lot_ went through his mind.

"If I keep them away I can't hurt them and they can't hurt me," Saihitei repeated in a small voice.

"Oh, Sai..." He immediately placed a hand on the other's knee. "Sai, it doesn't always work that way. Yes, you can get hurt; everybody gets hurt sooner or later." He ignored a muttered "I'd rather it later." 

"But if you cut yourself off from feeling any pain, you can't feel happy either! And pushing people away gives a different pain."

Amber eyes peeked out at him from behind a curtain of dark hair. "Like what?"

"Loneliness. Listen, Sai. A lot of people don't know how to not hurt, people who will ask too much of you or try and get you to suppress who you are because they can't handle it. People--most people are like that. But you gotta hold out for the ones that are worth it. The ones that accept you for who you are, and care about you. Those people will help you with your pain because they share it, and they do what they can to help."

Saihitei raised his head and his hair fell back. "Really?" He still was like a lost little child, but he was slowly getting his equilibrium back. 

"Yes, Sai. Now, come on, promise me you'll try."

"Try what?"

"You _know_ what I mean. Try to open yourself up. Feel the good and the bad."

"I-I don't know if I can--"

"Just promise me you'll _try_."

"O-okay. I'll try."

~*~*~*~

Things went mostly back to normal after that. But there was always a bit of fear in me.

When would Genrou remind me of my promise? I had-- tried to-- well, I glared less. I did attempt to be more polite. 

However, I know sooner or later Genrou would do something extreme. Er, extreme for me anyways. 

It was a while later, when I was walking with my lunch tray to our table (We had more or less claimed it.) that I noticed we had some company. I stood stock-still. Conversation at the table abruptly ceased.

Genrou turned around and grinned at me with a mischievous look in his eye. "Hey, Sai! Sit down, why don't ya?"

I shot him a look. Only he would know me well enough to tell that it was a pleading one.

_Please don't make me do this._

He grinned wider and shook his head imperceptibly.

_Fuck._

If I had been theatrical, I might have attempted to do a long-suffering sigh. As it was, I sat down next to Genrou with a minuscule scowl.

The conversation around me gradually started up again, once they were certain I wasn't going to kill anyone. _Morons._

I would have preferred to eat my crappy cafeteria food silently, but Genrou kept trying to draw me into his conversation with the others. Remembering my promise, I joined in a little. _Only for you Genrou. Dammit. I wish I hadn't made that promise._

I half expected to be bored out of my mind, but Genrou chose some of the few non-brainless students to keep company with. It wasn't torture to listen to, and it became easier to talk as well. I think it took them a while to get used to me not talking in death threats (Hey! When did I ever give those??? I _never_ threaten people, I _warn_ them about what I was going to do to them at a later date...)

I don't think it really hit me until then, just how amazing Genrou was. His intuition was--amazing. He always seemed to know exactly what to do. He became my friend because somehow he knew I needed it. He got me to tell him what happened because somehow he knew keeping it inside was slowly poisoning me. And now he was forcing me to deal with being social because he knew it wasn't healthy to stay locked away from life. When... when did I ever deserve a friend like him? 

I made a mental note to kill Kouji if he ever took Genrou's love for granted. 

~*~*~*~

Genrou was glad Saihitei was willing to go through with his promise. Although it took everyone a moment to adjust to the fact that the Unreachable Silent Saihitei was actually participating in the conversation, they soon got used to it. It relieved the burden of upholding the end of several conversations from him, so he was able to think a bit.

Saihitei was an interesting personality. He didn't talk very much and was often cold and seemed uncaring. Yet Genrou knew he was capable of feeling deeply. And he knew the other wasn't as bad as he liked people to think. Like the day Genrou had gotten that letter from Kouji. He'd been moping around all day, Saihitei could have ignored that, but instead he tried to help Genrou out. Albeit rather awkwardly, but at least it was an attempt. And it had worked.

Still, there were times when Genrou would have given anything to know what was going on in Saihitei's head. Like now. The amber-eyed teenager kept glancing at him. And he couldn't interpret that gaze. It was making him feel nervous.

soon after, the bell rang, signaling lunch was over. It was almost a relief to go to class and avoid that inscrutable look.

"Genrou." It was Saihitei's low murmur.

He glanced at the other, feeling himself beginning to sweat. Did Sai regret having met him?  Was the brunette mad over what he had done?

"Thank you."

It was so totally not what Genrou had expected to hear, that his brain stumbled over that. "Huh?"

Saihitei smiled one of his rare smiles. "Thank you for being my friend."

"Um... you're welcome?" He couldn't seem to get his brain to wrap around the thought that Saihitei had thanked him for being his friend. It wasn't like it was brain surgery, or anything. He genuinely liked Saihitei, and there was this weird sort of connection he felt with him. Like the connection he had with Kouji. 

It occurred to him that he felt that same connection with Eiken, but it wasn't a pleasant one. He had to resist the urge to punch the guy, when he hadn't even done anything to anyone! 

_Weird..._

~*~*~*~

Btw, the thing about Genrou having a connection with some people... it's a past life connection, you know? He knew Sai as Hotohori in his past life as Tasuki... and Eiken was the icky dude who took over the bandit gang while Tasuki was gone. Understand?__


	5. Can't Help but Pretend

Disclaimer: I don't own.

~*~*~*~

Desperate Heart

By Sanomi

Chapter Five: Can't Help But Pretend

~*~*~*~

"Ohmigod, did you hear about the new substitute? He's, like, so unbelievably good looking! And so young! I, like, hear he skipped a bunch of grades in school or something."

"Really? Then I really hope I, like, get him in one of my classes! What's he teaching?"

"Yeah, Ms. Emisan had, like, a mental breakdown, or something like that, so he's subbing for the rest of the year!" The girls squealed happily.

"What!?" I demanded automatically. Ms. Emisan was _my_ English teacher! 

The girls stepped back in fear, and I sighed inwardly. Why was it that I always seemed to scare people?! I didn't even _try_ most of the time! AAaaarg.

"Um, are you sure about the new sub?" I asked carefully, making sure not to be intimidating.

A girl spoke up, she appeared to be the leader. "Yes, I'm positive."

I frowned thoughtfully. Weird to have a new teacher halfway through the year, but oh well. 

I walked away still pondering what that would mean to my homework load, and heard the girls now giggling. Christ, but don't they have short attention spans. A minute ago they were scared stiff of me and now they're drooling over some hunk, probably that new teacher.

"Hey, ya made another conquest." Genrou's sly voice intruded upon my thinking.

"What?"

He hooked a thumb in those girls' direction. "Them, o'course."

"What are you talking about?" I was looking at him like he'd lost his mind.

He raised an eyebrow. "You didn't notice? They won't be able to talk about anythin' but you for a week!"

I shook my head. "Genrou, have you been drinking again? If anything, they're talking about the new sub we've got." He didn't look surprised when I mention the sub, so I assumed he'd already heard.

Genrou stared at me. "You really don't know?"

Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

~*~*~*~

He blinked. How could Saihitei not know? Genrou felt confused. Either Sai was very stupid or very unobservant.

The man had his own fan club, complete with a Male Faction for crying out loud! (Genrou would know, since he'd been plied daily for information about his friend.)

He supposed he could see why they obsessed over his friend. Sai did have a lot of the things that people admired:

Item #1: Vivid, amber eyes that seemed to pierce the soul;

Item #2: Thick, luxurious, dark chocolate brown hair (if a little long and messy);

Item #3: Flawless ivory skin, aside from the scars (Does the man ever see the sun?);

Item #4: Tall, dark, and handsome, etc, that old cliché;

Item #5: Somewhat dangerous (Suppose that's kind of a thrill...);

and Item #6: Very Mysterious.

_............_

_.........................._

_Dammit, when's Kouji going to come??!?!?! _Genrou thought frantically to himself. _What have I done to deserve this? It's too much temptation to be surrounded by all these hot guys--well, a only a couple are all that yummy aside from Sai, but I can't count him and a few is enough and how long am I gonna hold out?!?!_

_I hate teenage hormones,_ he thought disgustedly. 

Hmmmmmmmmmm....

Seems it's time to bring out the ol' tried and true. 

_Ah, porn, how would I survive without you?_

_Mwahahahahahahahaha!! _(chokes)

Good thing the walls in his house were soundproof and he had a TV plus VCR in his room.

Ahem. Meanwhile.......

~*~*~*~

I snorted as Genrou went from looking surprised to thoughtful to completely spaced. His thoughts must have gotten away from him...

Well, whatever. I was going to class, and I might see this new substitute.

I dragged Genrou off to their classroom, as we shared first period as well as having the same lunch.

A couple other students were there, looking about as curious as I felt about the new teacher. But there wasn't anyone else there aside from a few students. Well, there was still a while to go; the warning bell hadn't even rung yet.

I flopped into my seat beside Genrou and got out my stuff. I pulled out a required reading book and worked on that until the bell rang. We all looked up as the man entered the room. 

He didn't look remotely like a teacher. 

The man wore black slacks with actual _sneakers_ and had on a dark blue shirt with the sleeves casually rolled up to his elbows and the top few buttons undone. Light brown hair with some blonde streaks in it from being in the sun, cut somewhat short but a little shaggy and bangs that flopped over his eyes. Soft mahogany eyes. A kind smile. So utterly likeable. 

Gods. There's no way he would last a month.

Unless he was tougher than he looked. The nice ones usually never lasted long...

Well, he looked really young, so young he could have passed for a senior, and he was handsome, so maybe the girls would take him up and help him out. But then again, they could prove to be quite a temptation... That's how we lost last year's Calculus teacher.

I wanted to like him. Really I did. So much so that it made me uneasy. 

I never got over my inherent distrust of people in authority. From long experience, I knew that whatever they did, it was always to help themselves. 

But when he looked at the class and smiled with genuine warmth it made me wonder...

"Good morning everyone!" he said cheerfully. "I am Mr. Houjun Ri, and I'll be your teacher for the rest of the year, since Ms. Emisan has decided to retire."

Genrou and I exchanged glances. So it was true that she'd finally cracked and had a nervous breakdown.

"So if you'll just get out three sheets of paper and pen or pencil we'll begin."

Everyone sighed and got out the required items. Time to start the school day...

~*~*~*~

After school, I said good-bye to Genrou and headed off to my homeroom to serve my detention. 

_Grrrr._

A detention for BREATHING LOUDLY?! Bastards.

I got at least one detention every week. Why? Because they were all afraid of me. And fear makes people angry, and angry people try to get back at the person who made them angry. 

So they gave me a detention at each opportunity they got. Or they made opportunities... _Breathing too loud, my ass._

Which, frankly, was rather silly since they were too afraid to be in a classroom alone with me. So normally they leave me to whatever cleaning they decide is appropriate and leave. They always seem surprised to find me there when they return. Che. Like I'd give them another chance to get me suspended. Which the principal would looove to do. I don't know what the hell he has against me, but the second I graduate I'm keying his car. Jerk.

So I opened the door to the classroom, and for some odd reason the new teacher was there. I blinked. "What are you doing here?"

He smiled pleasantly. "Mr. Cathwell asked me to take care of your detention for him because he had something urgent to attend to."

I raised an eyebrow. "Mr. Cathwell does nothing but pretend to teach and watch Dr. Phil."

Mr. Ri's grinned wider. "And I can see why you get detentions."

Frowning at him, I shrugged and said, "Well, what do you want me to clean?"

"Actually I was hoping you could help me grade these papers." The teacher chuckled a little. "Ms. Emisan didn't leave things in the best of order."

I gawked at him. Hey, don't laugh! I was shocked, okay?! "You want _me_ to grade papers??"

"Do I have to repeat myself?"

I glared and crossed my arms stubbornly. "Cathwell must not have warned you about me."

Ri smiled again that little enigmatic smile of his that was starting to get on my nerves. "He told me about you. Saihitei, right?  He did warned me to be careful." He shrugged. "I looked through your record and of all your years of schooling you have yet to assault a teacher, so I don't really think you'll start now, will you?"

"Um." I blinked at him. "Sure..."

"Sit and start grading these tests, would you? Here's the answer sheet."

So we sat at his desk, me grading tests and him doing whatever it was he had to do. I glanced sidelong at him. What a weird teacher. Did he ever stop smiling?

After a while, he tapped me on the shoulder. He was holding one of the papers I had graded. "Why did you give this person such a low score on the essay questions? It's the effort that counts."

I looked over the test quickly and replied, "I don't see any effort." I peered disdainfully at the answer. "His grammar is awful. Plus, he doesn't say anything but what happened during the book and that it was good. There was no evaluation involved." I glanced at the english teacher and saw that he was grinning again. "_What_?"

"You are much smarter than you let on, aren't you?" Grin grin.

~*~*~*~

"_Stop smiling already!"_ Saihitei snarled and slammed his pen down on the desk. Houjun was taken aback by the young man's fury. 

The student grabbed his backpack and stalked out, slamming the door shut behind him.

Well. No wonder the teachers were afraid of him if he was that volatile.

Houjun rifled through the papers Saihitei had been working on, and then sat back, smiling bemusedly. 

All the tests were graded.

He chuckled. _That young man is quite something._

~*~*~*~

Heh, sorry to end it so soon but I had to conclude it there. The next chapter will actually start the plot *GASP* Amazing isn't it?

Can anyone guess who this new teacher is? I know it's kinda hard to tell in this chapter. Well. More then kinda. But yeah. So the first person to guess correctly will get a pretty picture drawn of whatever they want! (within reason) Do you guys mind if it's oekaki? My scanner isn't working and I don't have any other programs yet. *SIGH*****


	6. I'm Holding On

Author's Note: I discovered that there was a song called Desperate Heart by Starship... So I renamed the chapters according to the lyrics because I felt like it. ^.^ Mwa. Behold the power of an author. OHOHOHOHO!

~Kikachan~ Thank you for reading... you didn't put in your bid for who you think the sub is... ;_;

~Opaaru Tsuki~ CONGRADULATIONS!!! You have guessed the identity of our mystery character!!! IT IS CHICHIRI!!! Yay for you!! since you didn't specify what it was you wanted me to draw for you, and since from your review I got the impression that you are quite taken with Chichiri, I chose to draw a picture of him! Hope you don't mind.

The problem is, It won't work if I copy and paste the link normally! .;;;;; ARG! Stupid thing. *sulk* I'll have to do it weird, sorry.

h t t p : / / g e o c i t i e s . c o m / h i k a r u _ n o _ y a m i / f a n a r t _ c h i c h i r i . jpg

I reserve the right to display this picture on my website, where you can see examples of my other art just by going to my author page and clicking on the link... *shameless plug shameless plug* You, however (and by 'you' I mean Opaaru Tsuki, can put the picture wherever you want. And if anyone else wants to use the pic, they'll have to contact one of us. ^.^ Isn't that cool? I went to your author page, but since you don't have an email address listed I'm putting the link up only here, okay?

~MM~ Don't worry; you'll definitely see more Genrou/Sai friendship going on. They are best friends, even if they don't quite realize it yet. *snickers* Personally, I think it's funny that Sai pretends to be all independent but Genrou totally has him wrapped around his little finger. *grin* And Mr. Ri (aka Houjun aka Chichiri) will be very important in later chapters... *chuckles evilly to self*

~Nel~ Ah, poor thing, you couldn't get on the internet! *pats on back* Sorry, but you're right that someone else figured out it was Chichiri ^.^;; Maybe next time? *gives a cookie* I'm glad that you find yourself relating to Sai. That what every writer hopes for after all! :D Sorry about the chapter lengths, but I can't help it! Events have to be separate... plus I'm lazy. :P At first I didn't think I could fit in a little Sai-narcissism, but with the help of caffeine-induced OOC-ness...

~fallen4~ -.^;; Sorry about the infrequent updates.. My muses aren't very reliable! But of course I haven't forgotten about it! *huggles Sai* As if I could leave this hottie alone... Yep, the sub is Chichiri! Sorry that you aren't the first person to guess, but at least you're correct, ne? And yeah, blue hair wouldn't really be realistic. I mean, I suppose he could die it, but that wouldn't fit his character. Sigh.

Disclaimer: I don't own!!

~*~*~*~

Desperate Heart

by Sanomi

Chapter Six: I'm Holding On

~*~*~*~

"No."

"Come on, Sai! Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase?"

"No. Way."

"I'll buy you whatever you want? Please please?"

"One, I don't take charity. And two, _I will not go shopping with you_!"

Genrou attempted to convince Saihitei by giving him his patented puppy-dog eyes. It always got him a bunch of presents at Christmas went he was a kid.

Saihitei just raised an eyebrow.

The redhead scowled. Of course, when he was a kid he didn't know anyone with nerves of steel like Saihitei, who could withstand even the most pathetic look.

"Saaaaaaiiiii," he whined. "Come on! I'll never get this opportunity again..."

The brunette continued staring at Genrou with a cold gaze. "Why do you need me to be with you while you shop?"

~*~*~*~

And yet, somehow I found myself dragged off to the mall with Genrou so that he could spend large amount of money using his sister's credit card. I still don't know why she gave it to him. Indulging her baby brother? 

Urk, I'm not going to think about that. Makes me all depressed thinking about the kids my parents could have had if they had lived... Right, and this is me not thinking about it. I'm getting very good at lying to myself.

"Sai?"

Ack, must focus on the present!

"Nn, yeah?"

Genrou snorted. "Just checking to see if you were still with me. You totally spaced out."

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, since it's your fault that I'm here, I hardly think you should complain."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. What do you think of this shirt?"

I looked at the red shirt with flames rising up from the hem. Genrou loved fire. And flames. Did I mention he loved fire? Pyromaniac. "You really are gay, you know that?"

He glared at me, blushing a little. "There's nothing wrong with the shirt!"

"I know. But the fact that you're here shopping for clothes, and asking me for advice like I'm your boyfriend or something makes you really gay."

Genrou scowled and smacked me. "Acting like an ass ain't gonna make me let you leave any sooner."

Damn. There went my plans... I could feel myself pouting, and I didn't care. "Well, shoot. First you drag me here, and then you hit me! Where's the love?" I sighed dramatically.

For some reason (can't imagine why) this caused Genrou to start laughing his head off.

"And now you're laughing at me! I am so deeply hurt."

He was bent nearly double with laughter, gasping in an attempt to catch his breath. I looked at him with amusement as he tried to regain control of himself.

"Huh... you, being melodramatic!" Genrou shook his head. "That is so unbelievable!"

I snickered a bit. "It's your fault, you know. I drank four cans of coke at your house and now I'm hyper." I tended to get weird when I was hyper. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my body isn't used to caffeine, since I hardly ever have any chance to get soda.

My redheaded friend looked like an idea suddenly occurred to him. He smiled evilly. 

I shuddered with dread. Now what...?

He looked at the rack of clothes, then at me, and to the clothes, and once more to me. And again smiled evilly. 

Shudder. "Uh... Gen... rou...?"

"You know, Sai, I think this shirt would look good on you..."

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

~*~*~*~

...

I am so going to kill Genrou.

"Sai, come out of the dressing room and let me see!"

"Go to hell Genrou!"

"...Duh, we're already there! It's called High School remember? Now come out!"

Sulk.

And sulk some more.

"Fine," I eventually muttered. I shoved the dressing room door open and stalked out, crossing my arms defensively. Christ, how the hell had he talked me into this...? I was wearing tight, black leather pants that were soft to the touch and a black fishnet shirt with a black tank top beneath it. 

Ok, ok, I'll admit it; the outfit was kind of cool, really. If I just had the right accessories and make up I could look like a J-Rock singer...

But still! Genrou was making me dress up in clothes like some sort of doll! Augh. The outfit I was wearing at that moment was only one of the many he had handed to me; each more embarrassing than the last. 

_God, please let it stop soon_.

Genrou grinned approvingly. "Hey, lookin' good!"

I scoffed and tossed my hair over my shoulder. "Of course. I am always beautiful," I replied mockingly.

He just rolled his eyes.

"What do you want? I still have caffeine in my system." A pause. "Can we go now?"

"Fine, fine. Stop whinin' like a little girl, we'll go. I just have to ring these up." He smirked at me.

"Little girl?" I choked. And immediately tackled Genrou, pinning him to the floor by sitting on his back. "Take that, Fang Boy!"

He struggled to out from beneath me, but failed. Finally the redhead muttered, disgruntled, "You're getting dust all over my clothes."

"Tough luck; you started it."

An amused laugh came from behind me. "Is this how you treat all your friends, Saihitei?"

That voice!

I quickly got off of Genrou and turned to face Mr. Ri. That _smile_ again! I could kill him!

More slowly, Genrou rose and I helped him pick up the scattered clothing. Once they were in order, he freed an arm from holding them and smacked me upside the head.

"Ow!"

"Serves you right. That hurt damn it!" He turned to the teacher and grinned. "Sorry man. Sai ain't got no manners."

"Oh, look who's talking!" I retorted. It was easier to banter with Genrou then to focus on the Ri. Being around him always made me fell very unsettled. So I glared.

As you can see, I dislike being unsettled, and I show it.

And then they started _chatting_ of all things! AUGH! That redheaded traitor--!! They were still talking as they wandered over to the counter so that Genrou could pay and then apparently off to the food court, leaving me to drift behind them.

I could almost feel myself blowing hot and cold alternately. I burned with shame that an authority figure had seen me pouncing on Genrou like some sort of child. At the same time I grew cold with anger that he would dare to intrude on us; Genrou was _my_ friend, and they were talking like they'd always known each other!

Yet I knew I shouldn't be thinking that-- I needed to stop that train of thought, but I was so upset I couldn't think straight. My stomach churned and pounding headache began at my temples.

Feeling unwell on more than one level, I excused myself and ducked into one of the bathrooms. Taking deep breaths, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I needed to get control of myself! Ri was just a _teacher_. There was nothing he had done or could do to get such a reaction out of me! 

Why was I responding so violently to harmless situations?

I growled silently and ground my teeth. Why not ask what was the origin of life? I was as likely to get either answer.

For that matter, why did I hate mirrors?! Christ, if I never had to be forced to see the monster that I was, I would possibly be a less aggrieved person.

I took another deep breath and splashed some water on my face. Time to go back out into the world. I could only hope that Ri had left. But I wasn't that lucky a person.

~*~*~*~

Sorry! I know this chapter's short-- but I had to cut it off here. The next chapter's going to be important; it starts off the climax, sorta. ^.-;; Yeah, I'm a bad explainer. Just wait and see for the chapter to come.


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